Chanel Rouge Noirr-arrrrgh!

The problems I have with makeup are;

1. I wear a lot of it
2. I buy a lot of it
3. I am one of those label whores who thinks that Chanel = the dogs testicalia

If I've learnt one thing over the past 16 years of being a makeup hoarder, it's that having a designer label does not a good mascara make. Nor does spending £20 on a nail varnish mean it's not going to chip after 2 hours. More on this later.

Here's Part One my pick of the best (and worst) makeup I've bought over the past month.

Chanel Rouge Noir 18

Chanel makeup is one of those brands that makes you stare like a nutter at the packaging for ages, feeling like you've just bought the most beautiful thing in the world and would probably poison your boyfriend just to have a nice line of them on your dressing table. Chanel packaging is lush, classic, chic and beautiful and the label has a real aura of class about it which straight away gives you the impression that you're buying something timeless. In some ways, this nail varnish really is timeless. Rouge Noir is really special in a femme fatale way, and gives you that sexy brooding element to your look without being 'too much'. The colour never goes out of style. However, that is the only timeless element to this nail polish. Longevity and endurance is not it's strong point. Honestly, Chanel nail varnish has the lifespan of a terminally ill daddy long legs.

After one hour of applying two coats, including base-coat and top-coat, the polish started to chip rather seriously on the ends, and after two hours and lots of cursing, one nail had lost 90% of the polish. After three hours, I was 70% down.

After a few choice four letter words of the 'C' and 'F' variety, I admitted defeat and went to the bathroom to remove the remaining scraps of Disgustingly Expensive Polish, only to end up smearing all my fingers with the colour so it looked like I was part of some beetroot mashing festival. I swear, nitric acid wouldn't be able to get rid of this nail varnish from your fingers. In the end I resorted to scraping the colour off my nails and skin with a nail file. Not ideal at all. Especially considering I used a really good base coat. I'm all for a highly pigmented colour, but not one who leaves me no option but to file violently at my fingers and stains so badly that even a base coat doesn't help.

In all honesty, Chanel Rouge Noir is a great colour but a horrendous formulation. If you shop around a little bit, you can find very similar colours in your local chemists or department store - D&G Dahlia for one - if you fancy virtually the same effect but without the hassle. The real shame is that this experience has out me off buying any further Chanel nail varnishes. Bang goes my wonderful line of Chanel polishes on the dressing table, then...